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IN SHORT: Oh No . . . There Goes SOHO . . .
Cranky hates Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. It wasn't bad enough when they unleashed aliens on New York and nuked my beautiful rent stabilized midtown Manhattan apartment (and I ain't giving it up don't even ask) early on in Independence Day. This time out, they've let loose an overgrown lizard named Godzilla on the city, with a good hunk of the action taking place in and around Madison Park where Cranky eats lunch.
Cranky will not take this lying down. You can give the scaley faced witch a cool Japanese name, whatever. There is nobody, man, woman, child or lizard who is going to stop me from eating lunch. I know all about 'zilla's fighting style. I've seen the films. I've studied Bambi versus Godzilla (silly deer never even looked up) and I've found a weakness. It ain't gonna take an army (and God knows all those helicopters chopping around overhead are giving me a royal headache) for Cranky to take ol' fish breath down.
We know she ain't too smart. The nukes that created her were set off in the south Pacific and, rather than take on and trash the nearest big city (which would be Tokyo), Godzilla swam three quarters of the way around the world, trashed Panama, got a mean case of sunstroke on Jamaica, and then headed up the North American shore to Madison Park. It's a lovely park with nice trees and benches and only a pair of blocks from Cranky's workplace. There've been army troops and helicopters and guns and barricades and I'm really ticked off that I can't get the hell out of the office and relax at least once a day. It's damned annoying.
We know Godzilla's hungry, 'cuz the troops keep feeding her. We know she's tired 'cuz the choppers and the spotlights would keep anyone awake. She's already trashed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (and it hasn't even opened) so there's probably a good, disorienting buzz going, too. There will be no prisoners taken today, for today is Madison Park Independence Day! So here we go . . .
Cranky vs Godzilla: The Battle for Lunch
MARV ALBERT: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO MADISON PARK at 23rd Street and Madison Avenue, just south of midtown Manhattan. I'm Marv Albert, glad to be working again, even if it's here in cyberspace, where everyone is a bit perverted. With Manhattan destroyed below 59th street by Godzilla, a big old pregnant lizard mama suffering severe mood swings, the real story is here in front of me. It's Mayhem in Madison Park! Will it be Catastrophe for Cranky? Could it be the Grinder for Godzilla? Only time will tell in this winner take all one round match! The current line is a remarkably close 11 to 1 against Cranky. The statisticians point out that in previous outings, Godzilla has been killed 22 times, to Cranky's 2. Both have always come back, so I'd lay even money on a rematch myself. With me are actors Matthew Broderick and Maria Pitillo . . .
MATTHEW and MARIA: Hi, Marv.
MARV: Matthew stars in the big screen movie of Godzilla, as Dr. Niko Tatopoulos aka "the worm guy" and Maria is Audrey, the one time love of his life; the woman who walked away for a glamourous life in broadcast journalism.
MARIA: Yeah, right. Three years working for Charles Caiman (Harry Shearer) a sexist pig of an anchorman at Channel 12.
MARV: Matthew will do the body identification at the City Morgue, just a couple of blocks from here, if Cranky gets squashed, as he is uniquely qualified.
MATTHEW: I've seen Cranky in his underwear.
MARIA: Boxers or Briefs?
MARIA: And Sara Jessica Parker knows this?
MATTHEW: It was at the gym! Geez . . .
MARV: Ah, God, I love cyberspace. Filming the bout, as he has all of The Great One's destruction, is gonzo cameraman Animal (Hank Azaria).
MARV: Insurance underwriting is provided by the mysterious Philippe Roaché (Jean Reno), sitting to my left, who will do additional color commentary.
ROACHÉ: Oui, Marv, eet ees a lovely day for a fight. The sky ees blue. The blood on ze streets has dried up nicely. The buildings are afire and we've all stuffed cotton up our nozes as Godzilla has proved to have serious halitosis. I can see Cranky sitting quietly on a bench, eating what appears to be a pastrami on rye with swiss cheese sandwich.
MARV: Godzilla is at the other end of the park, seeming to be oblivious to the Crankster. The gathered crowd seems to be split 50-50 on how it's going to go down. Will Godzilla stomp the fool or barbecue him with atom fire breath? 'Zilla's strategy remains to be seen . . .
MARV: And there's the bell for the first round.
ROACHÉ: Eardrums are spleeting all over ze park as Godzilla opens with a Zen offensive attack. Cranky ees obviously prepared and remains on ze bench, feenishing his sandweech. NO! He has thrown something at Godzilla. It ees a small bottle, I think it is blue . . . it ees a bottle of mouthwash!
ACK! ACK! ACK!
MARV: and Godzilla is choking on it! Wotta revolting development! Cranky is standing up . . .
ROACHÉ: Oui, Cranky is sauntering ovair to ze monster. And. . . He ees giving Godzilla ze finger! What a stoopeed theeng to do.
MARV: We should point out that Godzilla is taller than the Statue of Liberty and probably can't see the finger, which is now . . . sticking down Cranky's throat. Oh My God, he's doing a Garth Ennis! Cranky warned us he'd fight dirty but we never though he meant this!
ROACHÉ: Ah zere ees Jew spew everywhere! Ze girl does not like zat! She may have bad breath but she ees otherwise very neet and tidy. Up goes the foot. Au revoir, Cranky.
MARV: And down it comes! Wait! Hold on! Cranky has pulled from his back pocket . . . A BANANA PEEL!!!
ROACHÉ: I cannot beleeve zees!
MARV: GODZILLA IS DOWN! GODZILLA HAS GONE DOWN!
ROACHÉ: Oh zees is not good . . .
MARV: The bookies are running for cover. Cranky moves in for the kill. I'm not sure, but he's yelling at the top of his lungs -- something about making Godzilla . . . a Member of the Tribe?
ROACHÉ: Sacré bleu! You know that's gonna hurt. And he has kicked her when she ees down! Cranky is a deespeecable cur! We cannot tell you where he has planted hees boot. Zat ees so dirty! Eet ees so painful!
MARV: Yes, it's true! She's a he! Godzilla has rolled up in a fetal position! Cranky has done what the army could not! Cranky has . . .
MARV: . . . left the building.
ANIMAL: Ooo, didn't anyone warn him about the tail?
A FIERY ROOOAAARR!
MATTHEW: Or the atom fire breath?
STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!
MARV: Godzilla has now redefined the term "beating a dead, um, Cranky."
ROACHÉ: Cranky c'est morte. Quelle Qu'elle. Ah, zee highly paid samurai warriors are mooveeng een with zeyre sharpened paint scrapers to clean him up.
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
MARV: No, Godzilla is using her claws and peeling Cranky off the street . . .
MARV: Oh, that wasn't called for at all.
MARIA: You were right Matthew. Briefs.
MATTHEW: Told you so.
MARV: And that does it from Madison Park. For Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria and myself, thanks for joining us and now back to your normally scheduled whatever. So, Matt, were they cotton briefs or that red silky rayon kind of thing.
MATT: Oy . . .
On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price for Godzilla, he would have paid . . .
and if you really want to know the real, absolutely true and complete thinking behind them numbers, click here.
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