cranky home
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do         Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

Top Selling DVD     Books

50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
A Bug's Life
Chronicles of Narnia set
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE


Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

Alice in Wonderland
Beauty and the Beast
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Princess Mononoke
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

Click for full sized poster


Starring Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Monet Mazur, Adam Scott, Matt Schulze, Jaime Pressly and Jay Hernandez
Written by Matt Johnson
Directed by Joseph Kahn

IN SHORT: Some va-voom. Lots of KA-BOOMs. Ultimately a major zzzz. [Rated PG-13 for Violence, Sexuality, Language and Drug References . 83 minutes]

All we know about motorcycles we learned from watching American Chopper, which is a highly entertaining and equally recommended show, regardless of any interest in motorcycles. When the star of that show, Jesse James, disappeared for a couple of episodes to do "his movie project" we wondered what it was. We sure hope that it wasn't supposed to be Torque, for a half second cameo does not count as a movie project.

James' appearance, at least for us, was one of the few bright spots of Torque, whose whole point is to offer up an hour and a half of mindless entertainment featuring men on bikes moving way too fast and incredibly hot looking tattooed and pierced Playboy worthy women. When we settle in expecting nothing but a dumb flick, which is all that Torque is, we count the number of "ooo"moments, the kind of things production designers have wet dreams about. There are three of those, all of 'em overwhelmed by testosterone fueled performances by every singe character on screen. Torque is one big production design stitched together by as little story as possible:

Biker Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) is back in town after a six month run to Thailand. FBI agent (Adam Scott) is on his tail, as is renegade biker gang leader Henry (Matt Schulze) who entrusted two hogs -- stuffed with vials of meth amphetamine -- to Ford for safe-keeping. To make sure he gets his stuff back,Henry murders the dumb brother of another biker, Trey (Ice Cube), and lays the blame squarely on Ford.

That makes perfect sense. You have what I want so I'm getting a third party involved to kill you. At one point in this film, one character tries to explain some of the logistics of what has gone before and summarizes it as "too complicated." In his dreams. . .

You know the bad girl (Jaime Pressly) is bad 'cuz she's in black and has strategically visible piercings that make it very clear that you don't want to mess with her. Ford's ex, Shane (Monet Mazur), is the good girl -- no visible piercings --and a gun toting, stunning blonde All-American looker to boot. Just the kind o' gal that'd get any of us middle aged critics down on our knees thanking God for his great kindness if she were to show up for a Friday night date. This Shane, of course, has a right hook that could put your lights out if you stepped over the line but, hey, looks is looks.

We were bored silly with Torque, even if not 100% disappointed. Playboy worthy women in skin tight leather will always hold our interest between bike crashes, gunfire and testosterone driven idiocy. That's what popcorn movies are for. They're also best for thirteen year old cusp of adulthood boys who yearn for this nonsense. But there's little more to recommend it than that. By the time we hit the climax of the film, involving a jet engine rig that has to be seen to be believed, it would have been real good watching -- if we hadn't lost all interest long before.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Torque, he would have paid . . .


Because if you know how to do it, you can hook your vid up to the computer and generate some extremely fine wallpaper.

amazon com link Click to buy films by Alan Parker
Click to buy films starring Emily Watson
Click to buy films starring Robert Carlyle
Click Here!
Lord of the Rings merchandise -

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2017  by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.